Productivity takes on a new meaning

In 2018, I welcomed my first baby into the world. She was perfect, the delivery went great, and my pregnancy even went by with minimal issues — but after her arrival, I experienced serious postpartum anxiety.

Since that period of my life, I have never felt that my mind returned to “baseline”. I went through cycles of extreme productivity and then would slide into burnout. These cycles would last anywhere from a week to a couple of months. “This was motherhood”, I thought. It’s not always easy.

Early in 2023, my husband and I moved back to our hometown, where our extended family surrounded us daily (don’t worry, this was our goal, we missed these people). Until my mom and sister kindly told me I should consider talking to my doctor about my manic behaviors, I had never thought I might have anything “wrong” with me.

The Diagnosis

After months of talk therapy and multiple rounds of testing, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar type 1 and OCD.

This was a shock and a relief.

I cried off and on for a few days after the official diagnosis. I was sad that this was my genetics, and that this would impact my kids. I was grateful for answers, and I was terrified of medication. I was scared of the label and glad I finally had one that made sense.

Looking back at the last six years of my life with a new perspective, I can see the spending habits, the business ideas, the relationships, and the work patterns that were all affected by either mania or depression. This diagnosis felt like someone told me I was crazy, but it also made all the puzzle pieces fall together.

A Shift in Identity

I built an entire business around the idea of helping people be productive and organized. I am known in my family for being the planner, the “get stuff done” girl, the “how do you have the energy to do all of that” person. My identity was built around my manic episodes and I measured my worth in how much I got done. Depression was exacerbated by my OCD and the overwhelming thoughts that if I did not do more, I was putting people I loved at risk.

When depressive episodes started, I would feel worthless. I’d look at all the activities I did in my mania and wonder why I didn’t have the drive to keep up. I’d wonder what I was doing wrong. I’d break down. I’d quit things. I’d burn bridges. I’d stop posting content.

Part of getting this diagnosis has been a journey to consider where I find my value and what brings me joy. It felt like all of my previous experiences were half-truths, blurred by my own mind. The medications and therapy will help with this, but at the end of the day, my mind is still dictating who I am, healthy or not. So much of this diagnosis left me feeling afraid that I didn’t know my true identity — but this is who I am; I have Bipolar disorder, I am a mom, I have OCD, I am an entrepreneur, I am a Christian, and a good wife, and loved, and valuable, and and and… all of these things can co-exist.

Moving Forward

I struggled with my decision to share this extremely personal (and still new) piece of myself online. While the world is shifting toward a better understanding of mental disorders like ADHD and OCD, serious mental illnesses such as bipolar, schizophrenia, and personality disorders can still produce unwanted labels or assumptions. Ultimately, my goal in my business has always been to be transparent about my process, the apps I use, and the way I work, and this diagnosis will be a factor in that content.

As I navigate this new decade of my life, embracing my diagnosis is not just about managing symptoms; it’s about rediscovering who I am beyond the labels. My worth is not measured by productivity but by the love I give my family, the passion I pour into my work, and the courage it takes to face each day with openness and vulnerability.

Sharing this part of my story feels daunting but empowering. It’s a step towards breaking down stigmas and fostering understanding, even if only for myself. While the road ahead may have challenges, I’m determined to embrace it with authenticity and share the journey.

I am insanely thankful for the people who have met this news with kindness and grace. I know the internet may not always reflect that same empathy, but I’m willing to put up with some negativity in the name of honesty. I’m often surprised by how many people can be kind when you take the first step in authenticity.